My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
