I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
