Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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