i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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