you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
