walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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