Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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