I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
