I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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