if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he fucked my hip out of place.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
