so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
my poor anus
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
