I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
