So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
