u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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