I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
