just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
