I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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