So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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