Did you just see the Batmobile???
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
