I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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