Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
this just has baby written all over it
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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