on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
