oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
