I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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