Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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