no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
