So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
operation harelip BJ is a go
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he's gonorrhea incarnate
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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