burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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