so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
