I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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