Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
