saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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