i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
