Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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