i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
