I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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