you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
