i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
