end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
