i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
