What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
this boner is exhausting
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
