eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
