On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize