So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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