Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
