i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
