Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
