I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
