The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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