this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
