I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize