Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
