He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
