Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
