he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
