I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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