I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
