Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
